Britains got Mortgages!

Saturday nights are not the same without variety shows. That splendour of mix, surprise, and anticipation of what is to come. Throw in a panel, a buzzer and an audience and you get prime time tv. So, it is with much anticipation that Britains Got Mortgages returned to ITV this weekend with its creator SiMoney Cowell back to front the show.

What a show it was. There was a dangerous display from "The Dual Pricer" that left the audience outraged. A great example of flexibility in a gymnastic display by the beautiful young girl Aldermore (ahhhhh who can forget her) who bent over backwards, sideways and hung upside down to a beautiful rendition of "Help I need Somebody". There were the wacky sheep impersonations by Nationwide and Coventry who just seemed to copy everyone else on stage. There was a somewhat curious display by new group Virgin Money who played a supposed very "fast track" of music (that seemed normal speed to everyone else) and then removed the track and simply walked off the stage. Strange one. But, perhaps the most talked about act was the disappearing act from the double act Nat and West who together were "NatWest"

Here were some of the highlights from the show, with hosts Application McPartlin & Declaration Donnelly.

App: What a shooooo we've got t'daaay Dec.

Dec: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaye App. By the way, have you groooown? You seem longer than last yeear?"

App: WEEEyeeey mun, noooo, just a bit more content like most Apps in the industry now you knoooow...

Dec: Well, lets meeet the new punnel (thats panel to non Geordies)

We have SiMoney Cowell, Carmen ElecTracker, Aleisha Discountson, David Fixediams (seriously, you try and make something mortgage related out of that name!!!)

Most memorable act

"My name is Nat"

"My name is West"

""...And together we are - NatWest!""

S: Okay girls, what are you going to today?

NW: Today, we are going to make Nats box marked "interest only", temporarily disappear.

D: That's a shame as we rather like her box (audience cheers)

NW: Well, I promise it will return (laughs West)

S: Alright Fixediams, that's enough flirting - girls?

It was clear the audience had some affection for NatWest, not to mention Nats box marked interest only. These kind of acts have been pulled from the stage very quickly so demand to see it was strong. Yet still NatWest proceeded with the act. NatWest placed a cloak over the box, and within seconds to a crescendo of "Another one bites the Dust", West took the cloak away and removed it swiftly. The interest only box had vanished. The crowd loved it, but Nats box never returned and the crowd started to turn on the act.

Aleisha: I thought it was a great act. And reminded me a little of when I was on Strictly Come Lending in that...

David: Hang on... where is Nats box of interest only now?

NatWest: It has temporarily disappeared.

Carmen: Well when will it return?

NatWest: I can't say. It has temporarily disappeared.

SiMoney: Look say by some miracle, we put you through, you'll be performing in front of the Queen? Will Nats Box be back then?

NatWest: We don't know if it will be back in time. But, you can see it in local theatres not available to brokers and also you don't have to pay to get in.

SiMoney: Erh. Look hang on. Look. Uhm. Speaking from my head...its no. But from my heart...its still a no.

The no's continued until Simon asked Fixediams and he responded with "Does anyone have Nats number?" Unfortunately NatWest didn't make it through. The show can still be seen in local theatres however, for free, or at least considerably cheaper than through broker channels, and with Nats box of interest only still available.

As the acts rolled on, the crowds responses were varied. Aldermore received huge cheers for her flexibility and the way she delivered her act and she sailed through to the next round. As did the elderly gentleman Abbey, who showed live on stage how to deliver a perfect service with a tennis racket. Aces continually. Not bad for an oldie!

But the question mark still remains with the act NatWest. Why remove Nats box of interest only from the Big Stage, giving no indication of when it will return, yet keep it continually returning for local theatres? To be honest, there was nothing amazing about Nats box of interest only, but now it can only be seen at local theatres, it seems the theatres now have something the big stage really wants, but can't have. This suggestion seems to defy logic and you can't help but wonder what the real motive behind this move is.

App: Well what a shoooow that were Dec.

Dec: Weeeyeeey App. Now lets get me signed, staple us together and get us posted, so this shoooow can get processed.

App: I dunno mun, I think there is a backlog...

Dec: Wey mun, there is always a backlog.

Woolwich Thriller!

We all remember it. One of the greatest music videos of all time, allegedly. Filled with amazing special effects, great dancing and a great tune. Thriller had it all.

Well, I propose that this should be re written, mortgage style. Because at 23.05pm, I am waiting for the "midnight hour" to be "close at hand." But at midnight, there will be no werewolf's. Jacko's eyes won't turn a strange yellow and his hands won't stretch before our eyes. There will be screams however. Make no bones about that one. Especially if the words "funds not available at this time" appear on peoples computer screens.

Why?

"Because this is Wooooolwich. Wooolwich night"

The mists are rising in the evening air. A deadly silence falls upon my log cabin and I sit patiently waiting to secure funds for my non fee paying client. Yes that is right, I am not charging a fee. For the purposes of this music video I will be playing "The Mad One" clearly. As the midnight hour draws near, my palms are starting to get sweaty. I know I only have one shot at this. A window between 12am and perhaps 12.01am to secure a miserly £383,000 for my semi detached buying client. Do they know the pain I am going through? No. Do they care more to the point? No. They just want the mortgage and their semi, and I have to step up to the plate and deliver.

An owl hoots, and a cat jumps on the roof of my log cabin. My heart races and it is about this point that I question exactly what alternative employment I could seek. NO MORTGAGE MIND!!! Don't wonder! We are on a mission to secure Woolwich funds in without doubt, the most obscure way I have ever done in my 14 years of being in this industry.

The clock clicks on. T minus 37 minutes. I know the UK is populated with hundreds of the remaining 8000 or so brokers all sitting around, about to embark in this madness. MADNESS I tell you!!

And then it starts. I start to formulate a song. To the tune of Michael Jacksons Thriller, but digitally remastered to work with this fiasco. And here ladies and gentlemen, is the final version:

Its close to Midnight, and Woolwich funds are lurking in the dark.
Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart.
You try to scream, but terror takes the sound before you make it.
Your laptops freeze, and horror looks you right between the eyes
The sites paralysed


Coz this is Woolwich. Woolwich Night!
The funds are gonna go and then your clients outta sight
You know its Woolwich, Woolwich night
You're fighting for your rate inside a Woowlich, Woolwich
Rate Fight


You hear the door slam, and realise your wife has gone to bed.
You feel the cold hand, and feel the stress is going to your head.
You close your eyes, and hope that this is just imagination.
But all the while, the mortgage rate is going out your mind
Your out of time.


Coz this is Woolwich. Woolwich Night!
There ain't no second chance to get the three year fixed tonight
You know its Woolwich. Woolwich night
You're fighting for your rate inside the Woolwich, Woolwich Website.


Night brokers tweet
And the industry walk in their masquerade.
There's no escaping the jaws of dual pricing this time,
Its the end of the line.


They're out to get you.
There's branches closing in on every side.
They will dual price you, unless you change that number on your dial.
Now is the time, for brokers all to cuddle close together
All through the night, I'll save you from the terror on the screen
I'll make you see...


That this is Woolwich, Woolwich night
The rates will thrill you more if you can book them on the daaaaamn site
Girl, this is Woolwich. Woolwich night
So let me hold this rate the next 5, days for, you both, tonight!


(Rap performed by a Woolwich BDM)
Darkness falls across the land
The midnight hour is close at hand
And brokers crawl in search of funds,
For clients buying their dream homes.
And who soever shall be done
To miss the rates at 12.01
Must stand and face a client from hell
And rot inside their damn slow DELL
The foulest stench is in the air
I let one go, but I don't care.
And grizzly branches Everywhere,
are closing in to steal our share
And though we broke, to stay alive
Our bodies start to shiver.
For no mere broker can resist
The Evil Woolwich Thriller.

What a night. AND, funds NOT secured at 12.00am.

Thanks for listening.

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
SHAMONE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Da da, shugachuggah.

Same again on Monday Night now.

Mortgage Trek. The Motion Picture.

Mortgages. The Final Frontier.

These are the voyages of The Prolific Enterprise. Its ongoing mission, to explore current mortgage lending.

To seek out lenders currently accepting interest only and products that do not get pulled within an hour.

To boldly go, where no broker has gone before....

Aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

Brokers log. Star date 08.03.2012.

Uhura has been busy trying to secure funds with Woolwich and seems to be encountering communication problems. The ship is worried. Over a 24 hour period Uhura's communication has been falling on deaf ears and fears the Kingons have overtaken Woolwich are rising. "Woolwich. This is Prolific Enterprise. Come in Woolwich. We require funds for a client but are being told that none are available. We need urgent assistance. Come in Woolwich!"

Nothing.

Meanwhile, the deck is concerned about the welfare of Spock. He was transported to an old planet Northern Rock over 2 weeks ago with important documents for processing and so far we have heard nothing from the Rock, or Spock. The Rock are under transition from the Genesis project which has seen them blosom into a beautiful planet called Virgin Money, but somewhere in this megamorphisis, parts of the planet are suffering from the change. Service levels are slower and backlogs are being formed. Spock continues to investigate, but channels of communication again from planet Virgin Money are very quiet at present and Uhura is working on trying different channels to gain access.

We continue to press through the meteor storm of last minute rate pulls. Shields have been up for the last 3 weeks but Prolific Enterprise has taken hit after hit but she's holding up. "Engine Room? Status report"

"Ucchhh. I dooon't think the engines can take much more of the rate pulls Cap'n. Its takin' a pounding Sirrrr"

"Thank you Scottie. I need full impulse power. These rate pulls look set to continue so I need you to give me eveyrthing you have."

"It can't take much more Cap'n!"

Prolific Enterprise continues its mission. New planets are forming in the way of fantastic buy to let products with Planet Skipton, Abbey and Natwest continuing to excel. The beautiful planet of Godiva also continues to shine as do Clydesdale. But as we journey on, we know Prolific Enterprise is heading for the Residential Nebular. An area of space where we expect turbulance and perhaps a bit more of a pounding from the residential rates that have been rising since star date 15.12.2011. Yet whilst our rates continue to increase, the parrellel universe of "Dual Pricing" seems to be keeping their rates static, with NatWest proving to be the greatest culprits. We have been to war with them before over this, and we brace ourselves for another. A meeting is set, to discuss it with one fo their generals.

Brokers all over the System are currently in the medical room. Severely injured in "The Great Battle of The Rate Pull". Conditions are not fatal, and brokers will make a full recovery, but Bones is seeing more and more visit him in what almost seems like an epidemic of sufferers from the late rate pull. As I walk past the medical room I fight back the tears hearing one of my crew shout "Not even an hours notice. Why? WHY DAMN IT?" It's like torture.

"Bones? Can you not do something to battle the rate pull infection?"

"Damn it Jim i'm a doctor, not a miracle worker!"

Chekov has noticed some strange goings on in the SVR System and these continue to be monitored. "Dey seeeem to be expaaanding Captain. De rates! Dey are growing in frrrront of my very eyes. Deese poor civilians!" Expanding svrs for the great planets of Halifax, and RBS have alerted The Enterprise that whislt rates rise, many thousands of civilians are to be effected. We are in communication with many of these planets civilians to inform them of the danger they face and have suggested to our alliance that they do the same.

As I look around my ship, around space at the damage being done by late rate pulls, dual pricing and criteria changes, its clear that our mission remains a tough one. But all battleships are strong. Prolific Enterprise, like many others in the system have seen it, been through it, and come out the other end. Whilst the ship has been damaged in many parts, the opportunity to repair, rebuild and even better the ships performance is also there with the SVR increases and the buy to let resurgence making this an opportunity for all of us to find warp speed.

Shields up, Phasers on stun. This is a war at present. But a war we can win. We must win. The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few. Or the One.

Kirk out!